To say nothing, to say everything … In the matter of sexuality, certain modes of communication do not allow any improvement of the relation.
For the sexologist Sylvain Mimoun, there can only be a satisfactory intimacy if the communication is adapted to the couple, its history, “where it is”, but also if it respects some principles.
Being Absolute silence kills the relationship at a slow pace, the all-say without caring about the other is counterproductive. In all cases, intimacy does not come out strengthened. Not to mention the settlement of accounts where everyone sends horrors thinking that these road exits have no consequences. Which is obviously wrong. “
1. Put Words When Sex Is Well
A moment of tenderness or eroticism satisfying? It’s nice and it reinforces the intimacy of the couple. It goes without saying … but it’s a lot better by saying it.
Saying one’s feelings of well-being, pleasure, and positive emotions of the moment allow the partner to do the same.
He or she takes the habit of communicating on the intimate sphere as Monsieur Jourdain did prose without knowing it. This practice also has another advantage, not insignificant: it places the couple in a virtuous circle.
First, because a sensory, physically and narcissistically gratifying experience will give everyone the desire to renew it.
Secondly, because in this climate of benevolence and complicity, it will be easier to introduce proposals for adjustment, novelty. “
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2. Cultivate Active Empathy
Living with someone or dating them regularly does not necessarily give you the keys to how they work. It is very often, we project on the other what suits us, our own expectations or our beliefs.
Active empathy mode means paying attention to the reactions of your partner, their beliefs when they are receptive to our words or the ways of speaking.
It is also knowing how to decipher your nonverbal communication. Once we feel that reading our partner is facilitated, we cultivate empathy.
3. Use Open Suggestions
“To start an intimate dialogue, nothing like talking to the” I “, to evoke his feelings, then to gradually solicit his partner by inviting him to do the same. Always starting from the general: how do you feel these days? To go to the relationship: how do you feel things between us?
It is also important to start from what is well in the intimacy of the couple – we evoke the good times, even if they are very small – to install a climate of benevolence and cooperation.
We can then, if we feel that the other is in the right state of mind, proceed by open suggestions to come to what we would like to see evolve or give up in the intimate relationship, using expressions such as “I feel that …”, “I wonder if …” without forgetting to add: “And you, do you feel (or see) how things are? “To banish: generalizations, accusations, unilateral criticism, and victim position. Intimacy is weaved together, everyone to take his share. “
4. Proceed In Small Steps
The trap: apprehend intimacy as a block, like a big file to settle. Nothing is more discouraging or potentially a source of conflict. The intimate relationship, the sexual encounter are spaces in which everyone’s narcissism is on the skin.
It is preferable to proceed as an impressionist painter, by small touches, to the situations, and preferably in the moments when one feels good with the other, or at least in what may look more like benevolence and complicity.
Finally, do not forget that it is in action, at the heart of the sexual encounter, that we can best make changes, make suggestions. “
5. Act First, Then Think
“This advice is paradoxical because it comes to shake our belief, as deep as legitimate, that everything can be solved by the word. However, in the field of sexual communication, words sometimes have the second role. It is the case when one feels a beginning of wear of the desire, of sexual laziness, of pleasure that weakens.
At this point, addressing the “problem” by talking about it would give it too much importance and consistency, and would also risk completely extinguishing the desire in itself.
On the contrary, it is better to find resources (fantasies, change of pace, roles, practices, setting …) to make the sexual relationship more satisfying and thus make it a positive experience in good mood.
Namely: promote the way of thinking “solutions” rather than “problems”. This obviously does not mean that one should not take time to think about the causes of the decline of desire, for example. “
6. Avoid The All-Sex-Say
The imperative of contemporary transparency is not the best friend of intimacy. On the pretext of not having a secret for each other, we come to create underground conflicts.
While some fantasies may be shared because they are part of the couple’s erotic culture, others may be lost, especially those who may question the partner’s self-esteem. Good intimate communication accommodates many shadows, minutes of silence and subtlety. “