They no longer love each other, no longer get along, no longer desire each other … Despite these facts, they can not separate or divorce. The reason? Children.
“Our children are still too young (or are approaching adolescence, an already hard time), they need both of their parents to flourish, we do not want to destroy everything and take the risk of traumatizing them.”
These sentences, many couples on the brink of rupture think and pronounce them. Whether with their family, friends or during conjugal therapy sessions.
Does this mean that their well-being necessarily demands this sacrifice? Will they be unhappy in case of separation?
In such a circumstance, one often has the impression that one of the parents resigns himself to the children, but when one pushes the analysis a little further he realizes that it is not the only reason. parents decide to stay because they are simply afraid of the consequences of a separation”
The Fear Of Not Seeing Children Anymore
Infidelity, egoism, abusive behavior, finances … These are the main causes of divorce. How many parents prefer to “suffer” their relationship so as not to destroy the traditional image of the family? Difficult to answer.
Although they try in society to hide the difficulties of their couple and to display a family balance, their happiness is often only apparent.
Sometimes parents are afraid of being alone with their children, or of not seeing them enough and therefore missing important moments in their lives, because of shared custody, or possible moves: birthdays, holidays, Christmas …it is A feeling of abandonment that only increases the guilt.
“Others are afraid of having to deal with financial or relational difficulties, to no longer have control, to be more unhappy alone, not to find emotional stability or to see their children educated by strangers, etc. “, says the author of Parents benevolent Ed Larousse.
Instead of finding positive things and taking the plunge, parents anticipate negative scenarios and anxiety that make them stay.
a breakup also refers to a personal failure that is sometimes difficult to assume.
It can also awaken anxieties of their childhood if these people experienced the divorce of their parents, not to mention the judgment of the entourage who is not always good advice and who can sow doubt.
You Don’t Suffer Alone
Repeated disputes, indifference, ill-being … To sacrifice too much and to accept everything, children can, contrary to what we can think, suffer.
They are far from being fooled. and may blame the parents for not having the courage to leave.
They can imagine that it’s their fault, if their parents are unhappy, and will be sad thenFlorence Millot
We must not forget that pretending gives them a biased picture of the life of a couple. This ‘false reality’ can affect their future relationships because just like education and the environment in which they grow up, parents influence their view of the household.
“On the other hand, some parents do not hesitate to blame their children directly: ‘If you were not here it would be a long time since I left your father (your mother)’.This attitude can be devastating for the construction of the child.
However, contrary to popular belief, to believe that we must stay together to properly educate a child is false. We often have a bad representation of what the child is, and especially, of his resources. Internal conflicts can indeed exhaust children morally. Some feel soothed after the separations.
How To Approach Divorce According To The Age Of Children?
Every situation is unique. Many parameters come into play. It is therefore difficult to have a clear opinion on the question. “It all depends on how the parents will handle the separation,”.
Note that before 3 years old, the child no longer remembers disagreement.
The impact can be stronger because he has a ‘magic thought. Believing himself powerful exercising his power over his parents and concludes that all is his fault because his father or mother did not have the means to explain to him what happened
Around 6, 7 and 8 years, if the child is not comfortable, do not hesitate to put words on this event so that he does not invent his own version of the facts.
For everything that happens, it is necessary to establish rules (shared custody, visits, holidays, etc.), and to stick to it. The important thing is to reassure the children, to tell them that in spite of this separation, the love that one carries to them does not change and that it’s not their fault. The dialogue here is primordial. If necessary, do not hesitate to make him see a psychologist; help to better accept this new life, ” advises the specialist.
On the other hand, one must avoid ” accusing the other parent or making bad remarks about him“.
Before taking any decision, everyone must weigh the pros and cons and act according to what corresponds to it. And this, for the well-being of all.