A narcissistic pervert has many facets. He may be friendly or charming to entice you into his nets and angry and threatening the next day. But in this case, it will never be his fault, always yours. Slowly, but surely, he will make you believe it. This is how he or she morally and socially locks his victims to better control them. The problem is that in many cases, the prey does not realize the trap until long after. The only way to escape the attacks of a manipulator is to cut the bridges because a manipulator will never change and as soon as he/she has the means to interfere in your life he/she will do it. So how do you do when you’ve started a family with one of them? And how to protect your child from a manipulative parent?
Is There A Genetic Part?
Claire’s first fear is the hypothesis of a genetic part. That no matter what she will put in place to protect her son, nothing helps, that all this “is in him”. On this point, Jean-Charles Bouchoux, psychoanalyst and author of the book The narcissistic perverts, is reassuring.
The mechanism of the narcissistic pervert is close to psychosis; for a child to become so, it requires a defective psychic structure, that’s all, if it does not, it will not become so. and It is interesting to note that in most cases there are other manipulators in the family. It is thought that a traumatic element can trigger that. But since manipulators are congenital liars, they constantly reinvent their childhood.
We can not know if it’s true and even if it were, we should not try to find an excuse for their behavior.
Stay Or Not To Protect Your Children?
The main barrier for the psychoanalyst Jean-Charles Bouchoux is above all not to stay with the toxic parent. it’s a mistake because it’s far from being a gift for them. The real gift we can give ourselves is to put some distance between us and the manipulator.
The child will necessarily see that we are better and understand that is the way forward. We must not feel guilty when we leave a narcissistic perverse partner, it is a good thing for the child. To leave is to teach him not to fall into the mechanisms of a narcissistic pervert. He will see that what the toxic parent does is not working so he will not do it himself.
Facing Divorce In The Face Of a Manipulator
But leaving a manipulator is not easy. The problem is that when we divorce we realize that our child is a citizen before being our child. There are parental rights against which nothing can be done, even if the other is a manipulator.
It will take violence, not to let go and especially to teach judges and social workers what a true manipulator because they know nothing for the most part. A person who has never been faced with a narcissistic pervert does not have the slightest idea of what they are capable of.
A battle that can be long and sometimes worthless because a manipulator often attacks a peaceful victim, far from being a combative natural person and who will let him do it. This is why Many healthy parents decide to stay until their children are gone, because a manipulator is so good that he/she can not only take you custody of your children, but he/she will also succeed in having them placed after just to cut the bond of love between the healthy parent and the child.
Open Your Eyes To Your Child Without Breaking The Parental Image
So how do you do when you decide to stay or when you have to keep the contact for custody?
psychologists always say that we should not tarnish the image of the father. The idea is to circumvent this principle not to act like him or her without getting off the other. she/he must explain to the child that we do not endorse the acts without criticizing the person.
How do we do it? We claim our principles and we stick 100% to factual with little sentences of truth.
– If your child comes home and says, “Dad says you’re mean because you want to steal all his money.” Better to answer calmly and with distance: “that’s your father’s opinion, it’s not the reality”.
– If the manipulative parent is attacking the guard and the child is talking about it: ” Explain that this is not your fault, that it is neither mom nor dad who decides on custody but the judge “.
To Prevent The Child From Becoming A Manipulator
Children reproduce what their parents do. That’s exactly what scares Claire. The problem when you have alternate custody wherever you live with a manipulator is that the child will necessarily be confronted with the actions of the toxic parent.
It is almost impossible to detect it in children because they act in a manipulative way at a given moment. Freud said: ‘children are polymorphous perverts’. The permanence of this state is the only thing that can put the chip in your ear.
To prevent this type of behavior from happening, you must always teach your child how to handle his mistakes, by saying, for example “You know that teachers never question a subject that has never been seen in class, it’s your child who slept in.”