Living a long-term relationship and getting along well sexually: all couples dream about it, but many doubt it.
Why? Because, in the first stages of the relationship, “the couple feels that they have already gone around their sexuality,” says sexologist Catherine Solano. They know what gestures, what caresses give them pleasure, and pass only by those … “Now, pleasure is born of variations,” says the sexologist.
Years of living together do not prevent the discovery of new sexual pleasures shared. But, paradoxically, they tend to increase the modesty between the partners. Thus, a patient of Catherine Solano confessed that after years of marriage, she who had always been rejected by fellatio would have “tried to see”. But she did not dare: “My husband would not understand! “
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Another enemy of sexual understanding in the long term: promiscuity. According to Jean-Michel Fitremann, sex therapist and psychotherapist, “partners who spend all their free time together may not see each other anymore; they no longer perceive each other as another. Now, desire arises from this distance and this desire to go as close as possible to the intimacy of the other “.
Why It’s Important
If, for a long time, sexuality remained a secondary subject for the couple – we were “satisfied” with what we had – “today, people tend to give it preponderant importance”, observes Catherine Solano.
The reason? “The image that media, movies, books, etc. give and that would suggest that without a perfect sex life, we can not be a happy couple. Then, as Jean-Michel Fitremann adds, the fact that at a time when personal fulfillment has become a quest at every moment, “we are, more than before, ready to look at our dissatisfactions, and, rather than admit them, do everything to solve them.
“Does sexuality deserve to be valued by the partners for the well-being of their couple? “Yes,” says the sexologist. Since, in our society, a majority of people consider sexuality as the couple’s exclusive domain and any misrepresentation as to a sufficient cause of separation, it is normal for the couple wishing to last to expect the best of sexuality. “
How To Do
Get rid of received ideas. Forgotten the “standards” to stick to, the fantasy of “it’s better elsewhere”! It is up to each couple to invent their definition of fulfilling sexuality, learning to discover their points of agreement. “Such partners will agree on the importance given to caresses, others to the penetration or the realization of fantasies … There is sexual agreement when reciprocal needs are met,” says sex therapist and psychotherapist Jean- Michel Fireman.
To Surprise Yourself
Kissing or touching differently, talking more – or less – making love … “It’s trying things that we know little or that we like a priori less that we will taste,” remarks the sexologist Catherine Solano.
Talking About Sex In An Intimate Way
During love, certainly, but also out of bed: “Tonight, I felt like you were not comfortable when …”, or “At this moment, I have less desire to … These discussions nourish the fantasies of the couple, give each key to evolve.
No couple will be able to avoid periods of less good sexuality. The essential thing then: do not let abstinence settle down. “The taste of sexuality is intertwined with practice,” says Catherine Solano.
Should we make love even without envy? “In any case, without waiting to have a very powerful desire. This allows one to “maintain” sexual contact “even when one is less close”.
Put Some Air In The Relationship
And if the desire persists to miss? “Love is when there is wind blowing between lovers,” concludes Jean-Michel Fitremann, citing a German proverb. In other words: giving yourself air allows everyone to regain their autonomy, to feel lack and desire … Before meeting again for sensual appointments. Or not! “Do not think that if sex does not work, the couple will not last,” says Catherine Solano. Reminiscent: “Sexuality is just one of many ways to share pleasure.