With the breakdown of family patterns, the duration of the couple is no longer motivated by the same imperatives as before. When we decide to persevere today, it is no longer because we should “hold to hold” – to comply with the norm, for socio-economic reasons, to please dad-mum or for children … – “but because the long term is a path of fulfillment and freedom,” says Fabienne Kraemer.
The couple is the school of otherness and the encounter with the other is a matter of individual development “. For the psychoanalyst, couples who well have a personal development project “and” to two.
Those who have decided to continue their adventure together have accepted the idea that love makes them dependent on each other, observes the psychoanalyst. Have accepted this risk that now their lives are linked, that they are engaged from an emotional point of view.
I have agreed to make efforts and some concessions to be happy to two.
1-Behave Friendly To Each Other
In love, we tend to follow our intuitions a lot, to tell ourselves that what counts is to be oneself, to be “natural”. But spontaneity does not mean that one must behave roughly: “If we decide to continue, we must try to be as civilized with each other as we are with society. We are often much more empathetic and respectful outside than inside our couple. We must try to apply within our duo all the rules that we hold ourselves outside, recommend Fabienne Kraemer. The other is not a défouloir. We must make ourselves better for each other, with each other.
It requires effort, restraint, giving the best of ourselves. If there is one sphere that deserves this attention, it is intimacy. “If we decide to stay together, we must be ambitious, encourages the psychoanalyst. To educate, to work on oneself, to prepare oneself to become a quality being in the couple.
The initial promises that can be exchanged at the beginning of a story are very important. To continue together is not to hesitate to put them back on the agenda if they have not been completed, update them, possibly add new ones. Fabienne Kraemer suggests “to hold a sort of calendar of what we want to achieve together: skydive, go to Venice, buy a house … Each project has a beginning, a middle, an end. It requires retro planning to see the day. I believe in the weight of time, in cutting it out in stages, in consultation with the other. Confirming your commitment in the long term, it requires very concrete acts.
Sit down and discuss: “I want to do this with you. What do you think? How can we do it? What can I do to make this happen? Too often we give up. We let ourselves be caught up in everyday life. We do not invest anymore and we move away from our common desires. Deciding to continue gives a new breath, new energy. This is the time to make resolutions and stick to it, for example, to meet every year or every two years to review the past year and define our next wishes, the next projects by which we build the future together.
3-Partnership Includes Friendship
Sometimes we wonder if we should be friends with our spouse. The psychoanalyst answers in the affirmative: We must even be the best friends in the world! Continuing implies giving up hostility, not considering the other as an enemy, or even showing indifference to it. If not, what would be the interest of the couple? If we developed animosity, if he was sometimes the last person we wanted to talk about our problems, it was a mistake.
From now on, we can agree to constantly show mutual benevolence, to learn to excuse ourselves if we realize that we have not been considerate.
Tightening the bonds of love also means that our partner is the first person we turn to confide in and talk about our difficulties. Of course, he will not bring solutions to all our problems but will strive to help us find them, to listen to us, to advise us with delicacy. And Fabienne Kraemer: It’s good to know that we will find the right hands at the right time, that we can do each other the short scale and pass the relay depending on the situation! It’s up to us to decide.
4-Make A Cross On The Scenes Of Household
The household scene has no place to be in this new momentum. It should never have existed because it belongs to the past, at a time when divorce was inconceivable, at a time when the couple was a kind of obligation that generated a lot of frustrations. One and/or the other exploded because of the unsaid. Today, we must ban it. “We decided not to scream at our children,” says the psychoanalyst. I do not see why we should shout at our spouse. It’s not a decision about the other one, it’s a conflict decision and how we want to deal with it. “
His recommendation: to be able, when the tone goes up, to say: “I am leaving. I am silent. I’m going for a walk. I refuse that. And if I started to put a finger in it, I go back. One can also agree, in the couple, to stick to a principle of “non-household scene”, agree eventually on warning signs and make an effort to find another way to communicate. And if the fight arises anyway because we are exasperated, remember that we promised not to go up in the towers and try to get out of the top: to calm the overflow of emotions to return at the heart of the subject. “I noticed that the day a couple decides not to quarrel, it does not fight anymore,” certifies Fabienne Kraemer.
In this world where we have more time for nothing, crises are also born because we no longer have time to two, or we spoil it by spending hours on our screens. If we decide to revitalize our relationship, it is essential to reserve time for two to advise the psychoanalyst. A weekly time, without a phone and other distractions. Opening these spaces of dialogue makes it possible to deal with various topics, pleasant or unpleasant, such as the disputes left unresolved during aborted household scenes. “This ritual must be a priority,” insists Fabienne Kraemer. If we have agreed to meet every Friday night, we will meet every Friday night, whatever happens. Initially, it seems very artificial, but in reality, this bubble quickly becomes indispensable to everyone.
Another fundamental ritual in the eyes of the psychoanalyst: to reengage regularly with each other, to remember that we love each other, that we are one with the other and that we walk hand in hand. “Why not imagine remarriages every five years? She suggests. But everyone can invent their own ceremonial, write it, program it together. “Freed from social shackles and classic models, the couple is invented in new forms where it should not be forgotten, like stepfamilies. In these adventures as exciting as they are difficult, he must take care of himself. Here again, the couple must benefit from exclusive and privileged moments, times of which children are not part. And be celebrated by rituals that consolidate it.